This was written by me in my BDSM tumblr.
There has been a kind of play (I really hesitate to call it PLAY, because it’s SO much deeper than that)… a kind of scene we’ve been doing lately. It’s not very sexual, actually, but it’s intensely fulfilling for me.
I am me. He is God.
Now, I don’t mean he plays a god or someone worshipped as deity, although we do play that sometimes too, and that’s fun and hot. (He really likes that one.) I mean he is speaking for and representing God in a corporeal form.
We’ve done it 2x now, I think. Each time, it seems to morph out of other scenes. The first time, it morphed out of the other kind of God/worshipper scene, the one I described above. That time it was kind of a mix of the 2, sometimes serious, and sometimes sexy worship.
Last night, it actually morphed out of a scene that others might call me bratting, but I see it far more as me establishing who I am in full, giving a display of my full power, and wanting him to tell me who HE is, and show me that his power is greater. (It’s 2 animals showing off to establish dominance, or like in the Incredibles when Helen Parr is crying over (what she thinks is) losing her husband, asking Edna what to do: “You will show him that you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who you are.”)
He challenged me who did I think I was? I answered that I was [his real name]’s Girl, and that I am The Wind, The Rain, The Earth, and The Flame… that I am A Force of Nature. (He has described me as such in a beautiful poem he wrote for me. Perhaps I’ll share it sometime.) But instead of him being like “And who controls Nature? GOD.” and establishing his role in this power exchange as we have done in the past, it shifted in nature, as he stated himself to be Alpha & Omega, the First & Last, the Beginning & End. It shifted in to something less power exchange sexy and more power exchange intimate guidance, me getting to ask the questions of God that I have always wanted to, and have a conversation with Him.
The first time we played this, when I told him how incredibly amazing it was, and asked him why he did it, he said it was because I needed it. And I *do* need it. I am a deeply ethical and spiritual person, even though I actually don’t really believe in God. (I’m an agnostic who’s functionally atheist.) Because I have no God or strong set of standards when it comes to religion (I am a Unitarian Universalist. They do not have a creed, but a set of 7 Principles, very broad ones that are still challenging at times), I don’t know how easy or hard on myself I should be, so I err on the side of caution and I’m RIDICULOUSLY hard on myself. Too hard, everyone keeps telling me.
And now God has told me so. I think I need God to tell me that. I need God to tell me many things. And this is why he is God for me. Because he knows I need that.
I asked God many questions, as we held each other and gazed into each other’s eyes, laughed with each other and snuggled close. I asked some of the big questions in life (like “Why do I have Borderline Personality Disorder?”), I asked questions about myself and my future, I asked questions about my future with my boyfriend (who, of course, he is), I asked him about conversations he’s had with others in my life (which he politely informed me are confidential. I made comments how he’s like a therapist, to which he responded with humor “where do you think the therapists got it from?” :-) ). And we talked about some of the little stuff that you’ve always kinda wondered, like “If You really love everyone, then those God Hates Fags folks are totally wrong!” “Completely.” “I knew it! I always knew it.”
God is kind and loving, but sharp and witty, apparently. Sensuous and tender. And is never, ever afraid to ask the hard things from us. We talked a little bit about the corporeal form he chose and he mentioned something about picking a form he knew I would find attractive. (He’s right. I like men, and I like large men.) We laughed, talked, and appreciated each other’s company. I like spending time with God. I feel loved and protected and yet never infantilized… held in love as no less than I really am. And God likes spending time with me, apparently. We have decided to spend more time together in the future.
Either that night or previously, it was made known to me that I was special, a handmaiden, Chosen, if you will. I have wondered in the past if I had some kind of calling to spread certain messages of goodness to the world, like some form of prophet. (I actually have a tumblr for this, Profanity & Prophecy.) (This post is getting cross-posted there.) It has been confirmed that, yes, I am. So I (think?) I asked for more confirmation if I had a purpose, a calling. He said yes. And I remember stating that I was afraid to ask for more details, because then I would feel I had to accomplish it, and if I strayed or I couldn’t, I would feel like I failed God, the most important thing/being to not fail. I think all he did was sit with me and hold me in love when I said that.
Eventually I did ask more to know more about it. He said that first I need to learn to love myself, believe in myself, and a 3rd thing I don’t remember. And then all would be revealed, all would make sense. I said I was uncertain if I could really do this, and what would happen if I couldn’t, does that mean I could never fulfill my purpose. He said that doing that IS fulfilling my purpose, but said it in a way that didn’t make it sound like doing that was ALL of my purpose, but doing it in a way that made it sound like the 2 are intimately interlinked, and that they feed upon each other.
Our conversation went on for hours, sitting on the floor of the kink club. (I’ve always said the best scenes are the ones that don’t look like much from the outside.) I don’t remember the specifics of a lot of what we talked about, but God’s answers for me are, as a whole, the ones that truly challenge me to be my best self, to forgive myself and give myself the benefit of the doubt, to love myself and give what I can (and no more). God asks the hard things from me, but they’re the hard ones that build me up, not tear me down.
At one point after we were done, I said I had a question for him (my boyfriend) I didn’t want him to answer. I asked him if when he talks to me as God, if he feels he’s channeling something greater. He didn’t answer. I’m afraid his answer is going to be no, and I don’t want to hear that. I want to think that these really are answers from the divine, or, if there is no divine, than if Goodness and Right could speak. His own better self if no higher power.
On the drive back, we got into that mode more again. This time was more of a conversation at times. I remember talking to him about my evil side, the one that makes me want to hurt people and abuse them for real. I remember saying “If you know me fully, then you know about that.” “Yes.” “Then why? Where did it come from? Why would you make me that way?” “It’s not you. It came about from what happened to you, from the abuse you went through.”
I remember also saying something along the lines of “That means you also know about my other dark side, the power exchange stuff. I’m a submissive.” “Yes, you are. And I made you that way because you go through so much, you fight so hard & do so much in your life, you need a greater form of release and relief from it.”
The only thing that makes me sad is that he seems to do this merely because I get so much out of it… that it doesn’t really do anything for himself. I don’t know if I want to keep doing it if it doesn’t do anything for him. But he’s been wanting to explore his own ethics & spirituality for a while… maybe he can find this is a conduit?
I have a close and personal relationship with God. And it’s wonderful. It’s deep and it goes so many places… happy, sad, funny, serious… it’s FULL. I can hardly wait to spend more time with Him again.